Looking Back

Looking back over my marriage, I saw clues but never did I hear such words as “I didn’t like him” or “I don’t trust him” come from other people’s lips until I decided to leave.  After 16 years of being with him (from dating to the end of the marriage), did I hear those words. “Why didn’t they speak up during the time he and I were engaged?” were my thoughts.  Did they not think they could say something when we were engaged for almost two years? I don’t know why I never thought of askingWhat do you think of him?” “Do you like him?” before we were married. Did they not think they could say something to me? Did they think I wouldn’t listen to them? Too many questions running through my mind with this whole situation.

My intuition usually never leads me astray with people, but when it came to my relationships with men, I was blinded. Like anybody, I want to love, be loved, and in very deep ways. When I met Chris, I was 30 years old and I was so very ready to be married. Like every woman, I was hearing the internal clock ‘Click, tock, CLICK, TOCK’ becoming louder the older I became.  I didn’t think I was going to find someone, so I convinced myself he was the man for me. It is not easy for me to say, but I settled for love because I didn’t think I was going to find the love I wanted and needed so very much.

I have learned it is better to not settle for love, please don’t do what I did. Wait for love with the right person no matter how long it takes is better than to feel alone and be with the wrong person. It is better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel lonely. The right person will better you and make you want to be a better person. I don’t want either of us to go through the motions. I want to truly feel love where we are showing our true selves; no hiding, faking, or pretending to be something we aren’t.

Roughly a year into our marriage, I suffered a miscarriage. I was 9 weeks along into the pregnancy and a month after that, I lost my job.  My dad passed away two years prior and I was still dealing with his death, so when I miscarried & lost my job, I went into a postpartum depression. I turned to food and started packing on the weight. I stayed in the depression for many years. During this time, I saw things that disturbed me with my husband and his family that I knew wasn’t right or healthy when I was brought up in a good Christian family as my dad was a very well respected preacher.  I should have gotten out of the marriage as soon as I started seeing such things, but I was clinically depressed and I didn’t know how to help myself when we were pretty tight with money. I really didn’t have the strength to get out of the marriage because of the health issues I was having alongside with the depression.  I had systemic Candidaisis since I was a baby and it wasn’t properly diagnosed until I was in my late teens.  This condition placed many difficulties and challenges in so many areas of my life where even thinking clearly can be a horrible experience.

Seeing how my husband’s parents treated each other spoke volumes. I very rarely saw them kiss, hug, or give each other a wink to show their love to each other when others were around them.  They would say “I love you” to each other, but that’s the extent of what I saw. I saw the absolute opposite with my parents; they hugged, cuddled, kissed, and showed their love around others. It was obvious my parents were very much in love with each other. I realize everyone is different in displays of affection, but not to rarely show it raises a red flag to me. Public displays of affection are beautiful & healthy; although, it shouldn’t be done everywhere. There is a time and a place for it, but don’t be afraid to show love to others and in front of others.

As far as I’m concerned, they also didn’t speak with respect to their children as the adults they are, but in a way where it hurt them.  When you hear a grandmother telling her granddaughter even laughingly, “I’m going to throw you in the trash,” can unknowingly do damage to a person’s psyche.  When it came to holidays and we got together with Chris’s family, I don’t remember one holiday where Chris & his brother didn’t get in an argument.  Chris’s brother would want to take it outside, so they could fist fight and Chris would be the one to say “I’m not going to fight you.” Neither one of them solved what they were arguing about; all they did was blow hot steam up the other’s butt.  I will never forget when I confronted my mother in law in a lie; she couldn’t even admit that she lied. She was so adamant that she wasn’t lying when I knew the truth of what she did. When you hear someone talking bad about others behind their backs, it makes you wonder what the person is saying about you.  By association with others, we can become like them; be sure to choose people who are positive and set good examples. Mentors can come from all different types of association, but nonetheless are people we look up to in order to help pave a healthy & positive outlook for us.

All families have their quirks, arguments, and dislikes. My family is filled with a bunch of introverts; the only ones who are extroverts are the ones who married into the family. We get a long for the most part, love each other, and like spending time together. When we have an extended time together, we all go off on our own and spend time with what we want to do or feel we need to do to rejuvenate.  When we upset each other, we tend to talk about it if needed, comfort each other if needed, and move forward. Don’t get me wrong, there are times to ignore and just simply move forward without addressing something, but it depends on what it is and who is involved.

When you marry someone, make sure you like not just that person, but like their friends and family members. If you don’t like them or don’t tolerate them, better think more than twice about marrying that person.  When you marry, you don’t just marry that person you marry the entire family. If you spend any time with that family at any given time, it’s important to get a long and like each other.  Who we keep company & relationships with does matter. People who want the best for you & truly love you encourage, inspire, motivate, and uplift you to want to be a better person and make you want to improve your own life.  They help you in achieving your goals in whatever way they can even if it’s just a listening ear. Anything less is not for the betterment of your life. Believe me, it’s best not to get involved with others who will be detrimental to you, who don’t want the best for you. If their words and actions don’t follow suit, then take extra precaution with them.  It’s best to not to get involved with others if they constantly say they are going to do something, but then don’t do it.  If they are consistently negative and are toxic, walk away from them. We don’t have to tolerate it.  Know your worth & value.  Only you can take the best care of you.

 

I write about this because it helps my healing process. I write about it because what we go through and can help someone else.

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